Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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