My underwear smells like fireworks.
worst night to have a conscience
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
