So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
