so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
