i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I supernannyed him into submission
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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