and next time when you feel me up, do it right
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
