I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
