i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize