Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
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