you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
