Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
True strength comes from lack of pants
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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