I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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