i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
