it's too hot outside to masturbate.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
