oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
