We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
