One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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