You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
