Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just invented taco cereal.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
