Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
