So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
sex in a hospital.. check
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
