Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
