yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Randomize
