She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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