I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
