You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize