i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
