It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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