just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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