good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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