how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
