My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
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