just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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