I hate all girls vehemently.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
