I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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