honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
