his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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