is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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