So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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