Define "chronic" masturbator.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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