If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
