Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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