I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
thus making me awesome and them whores
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Randomize
