I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
