Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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