i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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