Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
