This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
