My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
if only i could text you this smell
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize