his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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