Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
