i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
