I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
