i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
