I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
