i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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