McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Randomize
