Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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