Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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