sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
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