I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
